Things I Never Told My Father: Growing Up Gay as a Preacher's Son

Jeffrey L. Carrier’s memoir is a compelling exploration of what it is like growing up as a gay preacher's son in the conservative South. Spanning from his childhood in rural Tennessee to his struggles with identity and acceptance, Things I Never Told My Father: Growing Up Gay as a Preacher’s Son intricately intertwines personal anecdotes with broader themes, such as the conflict between sexual identity and religious norms. The narrative arc begins with Carrier's idyllic early childhood memories but quickly unravels as he navigates the dissonance between his burgeoning sexual identity and the expectations of his environment. The central conflict arises from Carrier's inability to reconcile his identity as a gay man with the staunch Baptist beliefs held by his father and community. The fear of rejection from family and societal condemnation looms large over him. This internal struggle is compounded by the larger cultural narrative that stigmatizes homosexuality, reflecting the deep-seated prejudices embedded in American evangelical Christianity.  

Jeffrey L. Carrier’s thematic exploration is multi-layered. The quest for acceptance—both self-acceptance and acceptance from his family — is central to this memoir. The author conveys an intense longing to share his authentic self with his father, which suggests a lifetime of withheld truths. Carrier's relationships with his mother and aunt are a source of solace for him, and he underlines the importance of maternal figures in providing emotional support and nurturing amid ostracism. The setting, especially in rural Tennessee, is depicted vividly as both a cradle of warmth and a source of confinement. The small-town landscape reflects the duality of Jeffrey’s existence: it is a place that offers safety and community but also stifles individuality and progress. Episodes of joy and pain unfold against this backdrop—moments in church evoke a sense of belonging, while family gatherings reveal the undercurrents of repression and unarticulated tensions. Readers witness a man struggling with guilt for the delights of same-sex relationships and the struggle for acceptance, which ultimately leads him to leave Tennessee for Manhattan at a time when the AIDS pandemic was ravaging the country. He writes about his experiences, including thoughts of suicide, with uncommon honesty.  

Through sincere and exquisite prose, Carrier intelligently illustrates the profound impact of cultural and familial expectations on personal identity. Things I Never Told My Father is not only a heartfelt memoir but also a broader commentary on the struggles faced by LGBTQ+ individuals in conservative settings. Its intimate portrayal of love, loss, and the yearning for connection resonates deeply, encouraging readers to reflect on the intersections of faith, sexuality, and the quest for understanding within oneself and one's family. Carrier’s narrative ultimately underscores the importance of honesty in forging authentic relationships and the courage to embrace one’s true self, regardless of societal constraints. This book resonates powerfully with fans of We're All Misfits Here: An LGBTQ+ Anthology, edited by L. Jane McKee, and This Book Is Gay by Juno Dawson. For me, it was an inspirational and deeply revealing memoir.